Console Gamer Reports Having “No Idea What The Hell Is The Big Deal With June”

Jim Dimmerthy, a student at Hobart College in small town Geneva, N.Y., stands distraught in the order line at the local Cam’s Pizzeria with four of his friends. On the surface the tension might seem unfounded…for this or any group of five college students the concept of a hot slice of pizza or two to kick off the weekend would be a commonplace notion. But for Jim, conventional wisdom has alerted him that these slices would be purchased dearly.

The heart of the drama...

The heart of the drama…

“I just thought I had more time, you know?” Jim shuffles his feet awkwardly, whispering needlessly as his friends are clearly preoccupied. “Normally this doesn’t happen ’till July.”

Dimmerthy reports that the symptoms are always the same: “They just start babbling to each other about crappy 8-bit indie games for like ever, you know? Like, Fez this and Super-Whatever-Boy and whatever the hell ‘Roguelike’ is.”

Bullshit no one cares about.

Bullshit no one cares about.

From there the friends engage in something like a roundtable reverse auction, rattling off numbers to each other until finally one can go no lower, and that friend is unofficially determined to be the winner.

“Literally just sitting there spouting off like dollar amounts and bullshit, and then when I’m like “hey guys did you see that killcam I put on Youtube last night?” it’s like they don’t even care.”

To Dimmerthy, the most frightening part of the ordeal is what isĀ unfolding in the pizza line. He watches in horror as each friend takes his turn at the counter, ordering an armful of energy drinks and 4-6 slices of pizza, then turning to him with a bemused expression and asking “can you spot me, man?”

“It’s usually only a few days and then everything is back to normal,” Dimmerthy says, fishing some crumpled singles out of a purple Velcro wallet with “BAMF” embroidered on the front, “But usually I have all of June to prepare. This is going to be a rough year.”

When pressed for comment, Dimmerthy’s friends unanimously and simultaneously replied “Fuck Xbox” and made rude hand gestures the details of which do not bear repeating in this publication.


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