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The EZPZ Steam Summer Adventure Guide

Finishing up the Steam Summer Sale has a whole lot of us feeling great, but our wallets feeling rather empty. This is, perhaps, especially true if you participated in the Summer Adventure. For many of you poor ignorant saps, it’s too late for you in 2014 and the best I can hope to do is get you ready for next year. Luckily I, the glorious BeeOhBee, will tell you how in this EZ-PZ-totally-not-fake guide to Steam’s Summer Adventure!

So what is the summer adventure you ask? It’s a magical journey where Steam splits you off into “camps” distinguished by a color in order to “concentrate” your efforts, then has you earn cards either through purchasing games, voting on what games to purchase next or just saying fuck it and purchasing cards to make bullets for their tanks badges for your enjoyment in other games like…Spiral Knights…So do you want to be the best?

"Concentrate". Get it? Come on, people...

“Concentrate”. Get it? Come on, people…

Step 1: You must have a wallet with an income of at least $100k a year. Did you want to win maggot? Well this is how you start. So get that job, earn that money and…oh wait you can’t? You say you’re a college student? Well looks like Mom and Dad are going to be paying for those sweet delicious Summer Adventure points themselves. Oh, Mom and Dad are already pissed about all the money you wasted on the last summer sale? Time to ask the siblings! But they all go out and have regular jobs that don’t give at least 100k a year, because they’re young and crushed by the economy? This is getting dark…better ask Nana! Nana always has a spare chunk of change lying around for her grandchildren to mooch off of, because while she is slowly succumbing to dementia in her late age she still thinks of you, you sad sack of shit.

TIL what comes up when you Bing Search: "Sad Sack of Shit". Can't. Stop. Laughing.

TIL what comes up when you Bing Search: “Sad Sack of Shit”. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

Step 2: Now that you’ve stolen from your loved ones and started down the path to utter degeneracy, it’s time to join a team. Use the Steam sorting hat to find out which camp you’ll be sorted into for resources…I mean fun prizes! Of course, even if that pitiful collection of sorry neckbeards you call a team manages to beg, borrow and steal your way to enough cards to out perform all the other desperate losers, remember that only 30 members of that winning team will get the prize. What’s that? It’s rigged? Nonsense! Join the team you selfish bastard, or Nana will be pissed. You don’t care for the Red Team because they’re on the bottom? Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, the Steam gods will come in and declare all camps are equal for the first week, and then after that it’s back to the dark ages with you and it’s every man for himself!

In the coming Apocalypse, Nana's disappointment will fester into something altogether nastier...

In the coming Apocalypse, Nana’s disappointment will fester into something altogether nastier…

Step 3: Now that you’ve been sorted off into your camps of color, you can now start helping out your teams! Seeing as how it took you 4 days to realize the Steam Sale was happening, then you had to make your own account, then get money because you’re poor as dirt, and then finally picked your team and decided to start, chances are you’ve landed on the day where nothing on sale is good, or you’ve already played it. The good news is you got one card, and when you get 9 more you’ll finally be useful to your team! Oh wait…the Steam Sale is over.

Now that your entire family is disappointed in you, your Nana forgets who you are, and you’ve essentially purchased animation engineering software when you’ve never done any such thing in your life, I’d say we here at The Gentleman Gamer have prepared you for the next Steam Summer Sale…or we haven’t. Whatever, where’s my check?

You fk'in wot m8?

You fk’in wot m8?

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About Author: Robert 'BeeOhBee' Howard

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